I have no idea how long it will be before I hear from the government in my country that I can go back to my crazy old life. But I do know that I don't really feel like picking up old life again. There is too much time between the day I was sent home by my supervisor and now. I'm no longer my old self.
Don't worry, I'm fine, but something is changing. Call it transform if you will.
I have calmed down more than I have managed during any vacation. I can really enjoy the hours I work at home, but I have been able to invest more hours in the things that I like the most. At my work these are the creative things like making and editing videos and at home it is painting, designing, writing and playing with the children. I have discovered that I am a super fun stay-at-home mom. Even though time sometimes slips through my fingers, I really get things done! I feel better now than when I am in the office for hours, everything has to go fast quickly and I only see deadlines in my agenda. It feels so good to be busy from within myself. Intrinsic motivation is important when working and with the children at home. There is no coach or colleague present who gives you a kick or gives you a new assignment and deadline (only the cat tries to motivate me to give him more food). I have to do it by myself and plan for myself. That gives freedom but also means that I have to be my own coach. I like to meet the other person's expectations and have more difficulty with that than I admit. By making agreements with myself and really putting them on paper, I manage better to work on it ... or not. Then something comes up again. The story I often tell, the rhythm that seems to belong to me; it works, until it just doesn't work.
But still ... in a different way: I now have the time to work things out. I have time to relax. I see more opportunities to take my rest too. I see what is really important to me and am now looking at the possibilities to make the less important things less dominant in my life that I want to have after my quarantine at home. How do I want to continue my work? How do I want to shape my goals? What do I want to emphasize in my family life? Who do I want to be?
Who do I want to be now? Who do I want to be if Iḿ no longer quarantined? Do I want to do what I did first? What is that and what do I want to let go? I make a selection right now.
It's nice, this realization. Sometimes it is also sad, because I have done things that do not work for me, but have required more from me than I could offer. Fortunately I get a second chance. Just knowing this helps.
And until that day comes I'm home. And I transform, if I like it or not. You are not the same person as you were. I know this. Do you feel it? Be home. Like a caterpillar in her cocoon.